Accidentally pushed the button

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but not really. Last week I typed out this awesome piece about me just about losing my sanity after the stress of this year and somehow holding it together till I saw the light at the end of the tunnel plus some good surprises. Then I some how hit a button and it was gone. The whole post. Poof. About a sentence before the end it asked if I wanted to save, I didnt. I was about to publish it, no need to save. GAH.

Anyways I’m laying in bed before midnight which is some kind of miracle, but I am still pretty awake. A and I are at my future in-laws house little over half way through a 2 week long visit. It’s been bittersweet being here for many reasons. I miss B so much, and being surrounded by his family just makes his absence glaringly noticeable. Everything reminds me of him. It has been nice to just hang out with his parents, and let A play with toys and their dog. I have so few stresses here, I feel like I can just take a second to breath for once. On an exciting note….I’ve been offered a full time job that pays decent and has in building childcare!! While I am so excited to have some financial independence and work again, I am absolutely terrified of A going to childcare  (wouldn’t even be considering it if it wasn’t in the same building.) So that happens just 2 days after we arrive home. See that post I deleted was jam packed with good stuff!!

I’ll be blogging more these next few days as I actually have time to, plus we’re doing some fun things.

 

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Good days and bad days

Everyone says that deployments have good days and bad days, I’ve had my share of both on this bumpy path. Deployment bad days aren’t like regular bad day, they’re filled with soul crushing anxiety, doubt and an incredible amount of pessimism. Today is one of those days.

I woke up and knew, but was determined not to let today be bad. My daughter and I showered, I did my make up, blow dried my hair and put on one of B’s favorite outfits to see me in. He texted me that he was also feeling homesick today, and I was even able to text a little pep talk. I headed to Caribou (bad days need little special pick me ups) but they were out of the first 3 things I tried to order (one of those was my bad, it had been seasonal…two years ago. I don’t get fancy coffee often.) Then I decided to go through the panera drive thru for a pastry (one of B and my favorites.) It was then that I got hit with the feels! For once I wouldn’t have to share my bearclaw, because he wasn’t here. I pulled myself together long enough to pay and get my pastry, then sat in the parking lot bawling, eating my bearclaw. I gave myself a few minutes to get it all out and move on. I wasn’t giving in yet!

My daughter and I went to Old Navy (for the supposed huge sale. Disappointment.) Anyways I had been texting B about my bearclaw cry and he decides to share whats keeping him awake currently. He needs to decide what to do with his military career, he has it narrowed to 3 specific jobs/fields. I was in absolute shock. I was under the impression that once his time was up this summer that he wasn’t reenlisting, possibly considering the national guard (huge possibly) but here he was telling me about these 3 options. I tried to help, having him list the positives and negatives of each one, not mentioning the panic I was currently experiencing on this side of the planet or interjecting my personal thoughts. At one point he says the schooling times (one of them up to two years long!!!Im not supposed to worry though, because me and A can follow him wherever school is at. Probably. ) I made an excuse as to why I had to quit texting and then gave into the bad day.

Now I have SO much on my mind. We were going to buy a house when he got back. We almost did before he deployed but were worried about me spending my first deployment in a new house alone. As mentioned before doubt and pessimism come into play, so naturally issues that I’ve been stressed about this entire deployment came to mind. And now I am just sitting here blogging about it, my mom is bringing me home a piece of pie (God bless her.)

I guess the point of this post (besides venting about my day) is that even though today sucked and all I feel right now is hopeless and dejected, I know that tomorrow is a new day. A better day. There’s a lot of stuff I am still figuring out (long distance relationships, how to handle a toddler melt down, why caribou got rid of the Chai-nog latte…) but I know now only to focus on what I can actually control, and on the bad days sometimes you just need to have pie for dinner.