I can’t be the only one that at the end of the day is so exhausted they can barely crawl to bed, and suddenly your brain switches on. I think about EVERYTHING before bed. I think about windmills and dams, weird occupations I could pursue, dream houses, movies I saw 5 years ago and so do many questions. Every night I eventually get around to thinking about the future. The family I want and the life I want to give them, but also what I have to do to give them that life. Well that’s a different post for a different day. Tonight I just wanted to make a list, of all the stuff that has suddenly popped into my head in hopes of getting it out or blogging about it in the future. So here goes:
Creepy crawlers atnightt
Hydro power (dams and lake berryessa)
How are just my feet cold
I should read more
Fixing my car
Tomorrow’s 2nd day of day care
Plants vs zombies
You get it! I’m going to try to head to bed
We’re back from the in-laws, things we had planned didn’t happen but it was a great visit regardless. Surprisingly relaxing for me, and A felt right at home.
Tomorrow morning is our first day of daycare and work. I go back and forth between calm and so anxious I could vomit. I have idea what to pack her, they said diapers, wipes and a spare outfit….im over here like how many?! While I am worried about A handling the separation from me, I just feel like it’s going to be okay. They saying follow God’s lead for where he guides he provides, has just been on my heart these past few days. Im trying to focus on the positives (there are so many!) And letting God handle the rest.
I find myself with A sleeping soundly on my chest as I write this. We are in the basement at my future in-laws as it has been storming all evening. Right now it’s quiet and peaceful, just light rain and some thunder and the distance but we still have two strong storm fronts headed our way. I should probably add that I am terrified of storms, I just have awful storm anxiey. Maybe I’ve seen too many movies or documentaries on tornados, maybe it’s because we’re currently in a farm house literally in the middle of a field.
Despite it all for the first time all night I just feel calm. We’re in the basement,flashlight next to our bed and she’s sleeping peacefully. I’ve done all I can do, and worrying isn’t going to fix anything. I’m overthrowing this all, but bear with me. This storm is just making me realize my independence and inner strength. Not only am I a calm mama I’m a strong one too. I am facing my fears calmly at the current moment, with this storm….and in life too.
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, but not really. Last week I typed out this awesome piece about me just about losing my sanity after the stress of this year and somehow holding it together till I saw the light at the end of the tunnel plus some good surprises. Then I some how hit a button and it was gone. The whole post. Poof. About a sentence before the end it asked if I wanted to save, I didnt. I was about to publish it, no need to save. GAH.
Anyways I’m laying in bed before midnight which is some kind of miracle, but I am still pretty awake. A and I are at my future in-laws house little over half way through a 2 week long visit. It’s been bittersweet being here for many reasons. I miss B so much, and being surrounded by his family just makes his absence glaringly noticeable. Everything reminds me of him. It has been nice to just hang out with his parents, and let A play with toys and their dog. I have so few stresses here, I feel like I can just take a second to breath for once. On an exciting note….I’ve been offered a full time job that pays decent and has in building childcare!! While I am so excited to have some financial independence and work again, I am absolutely terrified of A going to childcare (wouldn’t even be considering it if it wasn’t in the same building.) So that happens just 2 days after we arrive home. See that post I deleted was jam packed with good stuff!!
I’ll be blogging more these next few days as I actually have time to, plus we’re doing some fun things.
Everyone says that deployments have good days and bad days, I’ve had my share of both on this bumpy path. Deployment bad days aren’t like regular bad day, they’re filled with soul crushing anxiety, doubt and an incredible amount of pessimism. Today is one of those days.
I woke up and knew, but was determined not to let today be bad. My daughter and I showered, I did my make up, blow dried my hair and put on one of B’s favorite outfits to see me in. He texted me that he was also feeling homesick today, and I was even able to text a little pep talk. I headed to Caribou (bad days need little special pick me ups) but they were out of the first 3 things I tried to order (one of those was my bad, it had been seasonal…two years ago. I don’t get fancy coffee often.) Then I decided to go through the panera drive thru for a pastry (one of B and my favorites.) It was then that I got hit with the feels! For once I wouldn’t have to share my bearclaw, because he wasn’t here. I pulled myself together long enough to pay and get my pastry, then sat in the parking lot bawling, eating my bearclaw. I gave myself a few minutes to get it all out and move on. I wasn’t giving in yet!
My daughter and I went to Old Navy (for the supposed huge sale. Disappointment.) Anyways I had been texting B about my bearclaw cry and he decides to share whats keeping him awake currently. He needs to decide what to do with his military career, he has it narrowed to 3 specific jobs/fields. I was in absolute shock. I was under the impression that once his time was up this summer that he wasn’t reenlisting, possibly considering the national guard (huge possibly) but here he was telling me about these 3 options. I tried to help, having him list the positives and negatives of each one, not mentioning the panic I was currently experiencing on this side of the planet or interjecting my personal thoughts. At one point he says the schooling times (one of them up to two years long!!!Im not supposed to worry though, because me and A can follow him wherever school is at. Probably. ) I made an excuse as to why I had to quit texting and then gave into the bad day.
Now I have SO much on my mind. We were going to buy a house when he got back. We almost did before he deployed but were worried about me spending my first deployment in a new house alone. As mentioned before doubt and pessimism come into play, so naturally issues that I’ve been stressed about this entire deployment came to mind. And now I am just sitting here blogging about it, my mom is bringing me home a piece of pie (God bless her.)
I guess the point of this post (besides venting about my day) is that even though today sucked and all I feel right now is hopeless and dejected, I know that tomorrow is a new day. A better day. There’s a lot of stuff I am still figuring out (long distance relationships, how to handle a toddler melt down, why caribou got rid of the Chai-nog latte…) but I know now only to focus on what I can actually control, and on the bad days sometimes you just need to have pie for dinner.
“I can do this, I can do this…” more often then not I am prep talking myself for whatever new challenge deployment has thrown at us. This week its the car having more issues (in October we had a few parts replaced, covered by warranty thankfully) turns out those new parts had bad gaskets so one oil leak later and we’re back. Thankfully I am mastering the skill of finding the good in anything! Yesterday was our first car appointment where they were able to diagnose the problem. An hour spent at a dealership with a toddler can be rough, but they had a small playroom and I came prepared with snacks. The hour flew by and we had a blast crawling all over with toys my daughter had never seen before. Unfortunately the gaskets we needed had to be special ordered so this morning we are headed back to the dealership. We are going to be getting out of the house earlier than usual, but thats giving us a nice jump on the day and A (my daughter) seems to be in a great mood.
I am sitting here drinking my morning coffee, letting it warm my soul as I attempt to plan out the foreseeable future. One thing that I am still learning to accept is life with a toddler rarely goes exactly as you plan it, and deployed life never goes anything like you plan it. I am one of those people that needs a plan to hold on to my sanity. Now that plan is just a big picture with a LOT of wiggle room, but its working for A and its working for me. Right now that plan includes budgeting to get out of debt (only 400$ left in credit debt!!) and raising my credit score. Thats all!! As always I am struggling with stress/anxiety/depression but we will be heading to visit our future in-laws in just a few weeks, the change of pace and scenery is very welcome.
Lately I’ve been having the urge to write again, just to clear my head. I was shocked to see that it has been over a year since my last post and unfortunately not surprised I only had blogged twice. 2016 kicked my butt.
I tried so hard to be happy and focus on the positive, but more often than not I failed. The impending deployment was a huge dark cloud that followed my family around, as it got nearer my stress and anxiety grew (and dance eventually became depression) . It affected our plans of buying a house, and affected relationship my boyfriend and I had. My daughter turned one, and then my boyfriend deployed a month later. I felt abandoned and hopeless, my world spiraled out of control.
Now he has been gone for almost 4 months and we are powering through, or doing our best to. Im not going to lie I hate this lifestyle, and feel like we sacrificed a year of our lives. What’s done is done though so we are making the best of it. My daughter is still the light of my life and even though 2016 was rough, I maintained my calm mama cool (99% of the time.)
I think this blog has evolved, now I am attempting to be a mama that is calm in the face of the storm. All storms that is, whether it be rocky relationships, deployments (which is really just a serious of stotms) or terrible toddler tantrums. I got it.
I still love holding her tight and running my fingers through her hair, watching her drift off to dream land.
More posts to come, good days and bad days both.
Holidays happened and this blog got pushed to the back of my mind, but I’m back! My little ladybug is 5 months old now, and we are mid-teething. Despite her taking less naps and having a hard time eating, we are cuddling more to comfort. My last post I had talked about goals for 2016, well 2016 has brought change as my boyfriend will be deploying at some point. This means the engagement is much more likely to happen, but getting a house is not so likely.
I still feel the calm of being Aislynns mama, despite the chaos I feel of dealing with my first deployment and talks of marriage. She smiles now, all the time. I am so blessed to have such a happy baby.
2016 will be a year of firsts, for Aislynn, for me as a mom, our first deployment as a family and many more that I am unaware of.
This blog will hopefully fill my late insomnia filled evenings/early mornings, because while my infant sleeps through the night I do not. My 9 week old is the center of my rapidly changing world. She was a surprise, her father and I were barely exclusive and I was on the pill. Even though unplanned, she makes us so much more happy than we knew possible. With new babies comes lots of new…everything. New social life, new budget, new schedules, new important forms, new places, new plans and most importantly new memories. The things I worried so much about seem easy and oh so natural now, and the things I hadn’t even thought about seemed so overwhelming. I’ve never been emotional or sensitive, so much so that I worried about bonding with my daughter. I actually worried about everything. Then she arrived and I became a very calm mama. I have some pretty great instincts it turns out and so far shes been amazing and me and her dad make an amazing team. Even though forms and bills and applications need to be dealt with we’re powering through, I’m reminding myself that if I can calmly and confidently raise a human being that I can do anything.
Tonight my insomnia has lead to me thinking about 2016 and all the things that I hope to accomplish for myself and our family. The short list would include hopefully getting engaged, buying a home, going back to school, finding a career that allows for more family time and not missing a moment with baby girl. Its all big stuff, but its so exciting!